Not Really a Person

Starvation is always an option. I am a little hungry. But if worst comes to worst, I can eat rattata’s legs. Even if worst doesn’t come to worst, I might eat them anyway. They look mighty tasty. Note to self: fatten rattata up to prepare for the eventuality that I eat her.

Thirst could be an issue. The threat of a dehydrated end looms over me. But if worst comes to worst, I can drink rattata’s blood. I’ll do what it takes to survive.

Cabin fever is a constant threat, so I’ll be on the lookout for cabins.

It is true that I could fall victim to a Wooper attack at any time but there’s no sense preparing for that. You don’t prepare for spontaneous combustion. It just happens. And if it does, you’re completely fucked. There is nothing you can do about it.

Hunger and thirst appear to be the most pressing issues that don’t result in sudden painful unstoppable death by Wooper, so I’ll kick those faces first. ‘cmere, rattata. It’s only fair. We drew straws and you lost. The straws are more of a metaphor for me deciding that you should die, but that doesn’t make them any less legitimate. Believe me. I know about metaphors. I’m the metaphor master. Just stay still and I’ll show you what I mean. It won’t hurt, rattata. Pain is only a metaphor. It’s not real.

Get back here, you fucking coward!

Okay, okay, time out. I said time out, rattata. Stop running. I’m serious. Time out. Look, it’s fine, see? I stopped running. I’m not chasing you. I don’t want to eat you. I just want to talk. We’re reasonable people. Well, you’re not really a person, but you’re reasonable. We’re both very reasonable. Reason is pretty much what we’re all about, right? Let’s talk this through.

Mistakes were made, all right? But I’m going to be the bigger man here and overlook the fact that they were all completely your fault. That sort of finger-pointing is just petty and hurtful. The important thing now is that we need to work as a team. Using my superior non-rat intelligence, I have devised a plan. Instead of me killing and eating you, you will kill things and I will eat them. It is the perfect plan!

Note to self: get a leash for rattata so she can’t run away.


~ by Grell on November 1, 2009.

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